thanksgiving (in the spirit of Mark Twain)

Dear God,

We owe You thanks for being our light in the darkness. We have so much to be thankful for today.

Thank You, Lord, for this beautiful land we live in, which our forefathers have rescued from the idle and savage heathens by smiting them with Your Righteous Sword.

Thank You, Lord, for our wealth and power, which You have bestowed upon us, your Chosen Ones, with the help of our poor workers (bless them), and our black and Indian slaves (bless them too).

Thank You for this bounty which we have plundered from the earth in Your Holy Name, and in other names, such as Manifest Destiny, the Free Market, and Wise Use.

Thank You for SUVs and XBoxes and Ipods, Lord. And help us silence the naysayers, who would stop all progress in the name of satan.

Thank You, Lord, for global warming, which will make the whole world a vacation spot like Tahiti, or Cancun.

Thank You for our troops in the middle east who are protecting Your precious oil, Lord, for the American people, who truly deserve it.

And Lord, thank you for this Holy Season, an endless feast of consumption, which once began on this day of thankgiving and continued through the birthday of your Son, Jesus Christ, but now remains year around, in glorious tribute to You, Lord.

And when we have drunk the blood of the world dry, Lord, we know that we will soon be reunited with You, Our Dear Father in Heaven.

It is in Your Name we pray.